America’s most famous prognosticating groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil crawled out of his burrow this morning and announced to the crowd of anxious onlookers that, given the current political climate and the dark shadow cast upon this Nation by GOP presidential candidates, there will be at least six more weeks of Cruz and Trump, and probably a great deal more.
The assembly of twenty thousand well-wishers gathered at the annual Punxsutawney Ground Hog Day festival. The crowd was initially in good cheer when Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his secluded burrow, grabbed a nearby microphone and proclaimed, “It’s a great day to be an American!” However, when the applause and cheers subsided and Punxsutawney Phil began speaking to the crowd about yesterday’s primary results in Iowa, the public mood turned noticeably darker.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” an elderly wheelchair-bound woman shouted from the front row. “What’s going to happen to my Medicare and Social Security check?”
“Gone to the highest campaign donor,” another man quickly yelled. A wave of anxiety covered the elderly people present as they realized that a Trump or Cruz presidency would mark the beginning of the end of government support for elderly programs and their safety net.
“What about my son?” a mother of a Marine Corp Lieutenant asked with concern in her voice. “Is he going back into another senseless war?”
“Looks that way,” Punxsutawney Phil responded. “Both Cruz and Trump are itching for a chance to send your son off to die. Enjoy the boy while you still can.” Two women standing nearby offered comfort to the Marine’s distressed mother who began crying uncontrollably.
A visibly anxious Hispanic woman in her mid-twenties raised her hand and asked the famous groundhog, “What will happen to my teen-aged brother who came to visit me last year to escape a Mexican drug cartel’s death contract?”
“He’ll be sent back, no questions asked!” the groundhog replied.
“But they’ll kill him!” the shaking woman replied.
“Your boy means nothing to Trump or Cruz,” Phil replied.
A bald woman stepped forward from the crowd and asked, “What about my chemo? I finally got health insurance through Obamacare and the chemo it pays for helps me stay alive. Will I be able to continue getting chemo treatment?”
“Start planning your funeral,” the Punxsutawney groundhog answered to the stunned crowd. “Neither Cruz nor Trump care about the sick.” With that, Punxsutawney Phil returned to his burrow. We can only hope he’s wrong.
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