Friday, February 14, 2014

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

There are millions of people around the globe who share their love in an endless variety of ways without the hoopla or fanfare that the whole Valentine's Day celebration entails. Don't get me wrong. I love Valentine's Day. I'm a romantic at heart and appreciate the sentiment of the season, but I feel a bit sad that everyone who shares their love doesn't always get that love returned. So, to all those individuals out there who aren't feeling the love today, know this: Somebody is thinking of you. Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

DOING THE RIGHT THING

The other day I had a conversation with a woman I know who works in a service industry. Tips are part of her income. We got on the subject of income tax returns, and that’s when she acknowledged that she seldom reported any of her tips to the government when it came time to file her taxes. I didn’t press her on the subject, because I know she struggles financially and I figured that it was none of my business, but then she offered an unapologetic justification for her deception – all those lazy people collecting food stamps, and that’s when she got the same sermon I’m issuing here.

Do the right thing, and stop worrying about what everybody else is doing!

There’s a well-known adage that character is defined by what you do when nobody else is looking, and there’s no better time for testing character than when people file their income tax returns. Most filers assume the government will not look too closely at them, and odds are that’s true, but whether or not the government will audit a person’s return should never be the issue. If a person has character and is doing the right thing when nobody is watching, it won’t matter whether the government audits a tax return or not.

I asked the woman I described earlier whether she would feel comfortable blaming lazy people collecting food stamps if an I.R.S. auditor wanted an explanation for why she didn’t report her tips as income.

“No,” the woman replied, as if my question was a stupid one, and then she repeated her assertion that she was entitled to rip off the system, because others (at least in her mind) were doing it too.

At that point, I pressed further and asked the woman what she intended to tell an I.R.S. auditor was her reason for filing a fraudulent return.

“Fraudulent return,” she huffed. “You make it sound like I’m a crook or something.”

I then pointed out that filing a false tax return was a crime, but she dismissed my point without giving it much thought.

“They’re not going to care about my tax return,” she said. “If they do, I’ll figure out what to say later.” That was the end of that conversation!

When people don’t want to do the right thing, they know what they’re doing is wrong, but they frequently have a handy justification (again, at least in their mind) that excuses their wrongdoing. Really, it’s just a form of self-delusion, because even the woman I just describes knows in her heart how stupid it would sound to tell an I.R.S. auditor that she lied on her taxes because there are lazy people collecting food stamps. The food stamp excuse is just what helps her sleep at night.

People with character don’t lie on their tax returns. That’s because those who live their lives determined to maintain character don’t have to worry about doing the right thing. It’s automatic for them.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE A.A.R.P.

Dear A.A.R.P. (American Association of Retired Persons),

Stop sending me membership application forms! You’ve already spent the cost of one year’s membership on postage stamps these past twelve months and I still haven’t joined your ranks, which means you’ve got nothing to show for all your postal efforts. It would have been better had you simply offered me a free year’s membership. At least then, after I reaped all the rewards of membership for a full year, I’d have felt a little guilty about not joining and probably signed up to alleviate my shame. As it is, all you’re doing is clogging up my paper shredder with those damn little glue balls that hold your membership cards to the solicitation letter. Whenever that happens, I have to waste an hour cleaning out the shredder. To say that’s aggravating is an understatement. It certainly doesn’t improve your chances of getting me to shell out money to join an “old geezer” club.

You can also stop trying to bribe me with a free tote bag. I’ve got so many tote bags collecting dust in the basement that I could probably start my own organization and give out free memberships AND free tote bags to boot! I’ll bet I could get more first-time members to join than you can.

FYI…totes as bribes don’t work. Have you ever read about somebody going to jail because they tried to bribe a politician with a tote (unless it’s filled with money)? Of course not, and you’ve never seen a politician go to prison because he or she accepted a free tote either. A plane ride, maybe; or perhaps a free lunch at a swanky restaurant, but never just a tote. It takes more than a cheaply constructed piece of canvas to influence people with money and power these days, and a free tote just won’t cut it.

While I’m on a roll here, could you please stop trying to get me to enroll in supplemental health insurance? I’m already covered by two carriers, and they’re both always hounding me over who should have to pay my medical bills first. You’d think that having two medical insurance policies would be a good thing, but if you’ve ever had the displeasure of being caught between two warring women, I think you’ll appreciate what kind of mayhem I’m talking about. The last thing I need is a supplemental policy creating more havoc in my life.

Also, I’m tired of getting AARP-endorsed life insurance policy applications. Could you stop sending those, too? The application that arrived in yesterday’s mail said that nobody would be rejected, but then it asked whether I’d ever been treated for a host of problems, and I would have had to check five of the seven boxes had I been inclined to apply. We both know that would have resulted in sky-high premiums and a two or three year waiver of benefits. Why bother buying a life insurance policy that won’t pay for a death caused by the very thing that my doctor says is most likely to kill me? It seems like a colossal waste of money if you ask me.

Ditto goes for the funeral insurance applications. I don’t even open those letters anymore. I toss them directly into the shredder, now that I know they don’t contain any of those nasty glue balls. Plus, I’m not worrying about funeral expenses. My family doesn’t worry either. My township has large item pick-up every Thursday, so the plan is to put me out in a large trash bag and have the waste guys haul me away. I know that’s kind of cheap, but dead is dead and there’s nothing a funeral insurance policy is going to do to rectify that situation.

In summary, I think your time and postage would be better spent on somebody without my jaded view of club membership and insurance. They say another sucker is born every minute, so you shouldn’t have far to look.

Sincerely,

Steven G. Zorbaugh

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

THE SCHADENFREUDE MOMENTS THAT SURROUND US

Schadenfreude is the term used to describe the gaining of pleasure from another person’s misfortune. It’s not something I think people should boast about, yet there are times when an event gives rise to a shadenfreude moment and I want to cheer anyway, despite the fact that I know my jubilation came at the expense of someone else’s pain.

Take the Olympics, for example. When an American Olympian is on the cusp of winning a medal, and there is only one other athlete who can displace that American, it’s hard not to cheer when that last contender fails and my fellow American’s medal spot is secure. I know that last contender is feeling the agony of defeat, and yet it’s hard to suppress the happiness I feel about our own Olympian’s victory.

A similar feeling arose yesterday as I was reading accounts of the twenty-one Iraqi militant recruits who died when a bomb accidentally exploded at a bomb-making class they were attending. The recruits were part of an Iraqi al-Qaeda splinter group that’s been carrying out suicide bombing all across Iraq in an effort to destabilize that nation’s government. It’s hard not to celebrate the fact that hundreds of Iraqi citizens will live longer lives because those twenty-one dead recruits won’t be causing any more murder and mayhem, but those recruits also had families, and I have to think those families are suffering grief at the news of their loved one’s demise. It would appear that schadenfreude moments are frequently more complex than we realize.

WARNING: CHICK FLICKS PROHIBITED

This is the Wikipedia definition of the term, Chick Flick:

--A slang term for a film genre mainly dealing with love and romance and designed to appeal to a largely female target audience. Although many types of films may be directed toward the female gender, "chick-flick" is typically used only in reference to films that are heavy with emotion or contain themes that are relationship-based (although not necessarily romantic as many other themes may be present). Chick-flicks often are released en masse around Valentine's Day.

With Valentine’s Day approaching, and men everywhere trying to figure out what kind of gift will keep them out of trouble with their wives or girlfriends, and show the true depth of their affection, I feel obligated to offer a bit of practical advice on the matter. Do not, under any circumstances, buy your sweetheart a chick flick!

I am not an unsympathetic fellow. I know that seventy bucks for a dozen roses is highway robbery, especially when you could probably swipe a dozen at a local cemetery for next to nothing, assuming you don’t get caught. I also realize that the five-dollar chick-flick display at Target is very tempting. That’s why those displays are carefully set up at the check-out line, where 99.9% of impulse buy decisions occur. Still, it’s Valentine’s Day we’re talking about here, so show some backbone. Man up!

I can practically guarantee that if you buy your beloved a chick flick, she will insist that you watch it with her, and she will do so at the most inopportune time, like the middle of the March Madness finals or on a Saturday night when Spike TV is hosting a Chuck Norris marathon. You’ll also have to cuddle on the couch while you’re both watching the movie, and then have to stealthily wipe your eyes with your shirt sleeve at the end of the flick because you’re not man enough to ask for a tissue. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Did you read that part of the chick flick definition that talked about relationship-based themes? If not, go back and re-read the first paragraph. It’s important – damn important. The reason it’s important is that chick flicks are all like measuring sticks…and the sad truth is, there’s not a man walking on this planet who can measure up to the buff, good-looking, sensitive guy who’s winning the heart of a chick flick’s main character. Do you really want your partner comparing you to the handsome hunk on the screen and thinking that she got the short end of the stick? She’s too kind to admit that aloud, but that’s what’s going on in her mind, and now that you know what she’ll be thinking, you’ll feel even worse.

That’s also not the end of your pain. After watching the chick flick, your honey is going to want you to start acting kind and sensitive too, like opting to watch whatever is on the Hallmark channel instead of that cage fighting special on Spike TV or the Swamp People on Animal Planet. The next thing you know, you’ll be pouring glasses of wine instead of opening a beer and lighting candles instead of firing off M-80s in the back yard. That’s a fact!

Plus, chick flicks don’t die like roses do. A rose will be gone in a week, and then you won’t have to pretend to be the guy in the flick who never belches, never farts, never picks his nose and never scratches his arm pits. Chick flicks, on the other hand, can be viewed repeatedly, which is like having the same nightmare every night for an entire month. Then, five years from now, when your sweetheart is holding a yard sale and that chick flick is in the “50 cents take your pick” box, everybody in your neighborhood will know what a lame guy you are, and all your Monday night football buddies will be laughing behind your back. I hope what I’m telling you is sinking in – whatever you do, don’t buy a chick flick!

There are many perfectly acceptable gift options for Valentine’s Day to choose from. Roses, jewelry, perfume and candy top the list. The newest “must-have” designer handbag is also an option, but that can set a precedence you might not want to establish…just saying. Even a night out at her favorite restaurant is a good choice. Oh, and don’t forget the card. That’s important, too. Just remember one thing…no chick flicks!

If you ignore my advice, don’t come crying to me later or say I didn’t warned you.

Monday, February 10, 2014

CHANGING THE WORLD, ONE BORROWER AT A TIME

I’m a big fan of the micro-lending movement and recommend KIVA.org as a great place for people to get started in this philanthropic endeavor. Micro-lending is not a money-making enterprise. It’s a way to help less fortunate people all over the world to improve their own lives by giving them access to a source for borrowing money. It’s also a way for those who are better off to achieve a wider reach in their endeavor to make the world a better place to live. KIVA.org connects lenders with borrowers. All it takes is a person's desire to lend a helping hand!

ANOTHER CONSPIRACY FOR THE AGES


There are news reports coming out of Russia that Dutch speed skater, Ireen Wust has become the first openly gay athlete to win a gold medal at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games. She supposedly won the 3000 meter women’s speed-skating competition, but let’s face it, according to Sochi mayor Anatoly Pakhomov, there are no gays in Sochi, so it’s highly dubious that a Wust victory actually took place!

What is more likely is that NBC and other world-wide media outlets “photo-shopped” Wust’s face onto a video of an Olympic speed-skating competition and then, I guess at the behest of some secret, all powerful global gay society, declared her the gold medal winner of the 3,000 meter event.

There’s more proof of this conspiracy, too. A couple of media outlets showed an obviously doctored video clip of Wust shaking the hands of a youngster in a crowd of well-wishers, and she wasn’t immediately arrested by Russian police. That couldn’t have happened, because Russian President Putin decreed that no gay person could touch a child, and anybody who dares to challenge Putin in Russia immediately get’s arrested. Wust still isn’t in shackles, so you know that handshake couldn’t have happened the way the media portrayed it. I rest my case.

Next up…Rand Paul is a closet cross-dresser.

A LICENSE TO NOT SAVE THE WORLD


On my way home from dropping off my daughter at school this morning, I saw a bumper sticker that read: Jesus Came To Save The World, So We Don’t Have To!

I get the gist of that bumper sticker, from a popular, born-again, evangelical Christian point of view. It’s not a religious outlook I agree with, but I understand the theology it’s meant to propagate. Still, I find the message on that bumper sticker to be quite troubling, because it implicitly relieves mankind of the obligation to save the world.

Can one man or one woman save the world? No. Can a group of men or women collectively solve all of humanity’s problems? Certainly not, and yet I just can’t shirk the feeling that there’s something terribly wrong with not making an attempt. I know I can’t save the world all by myself, but it seems like a total waste of time and talent to accept failure without at least trying.

It’s hard for me to imagine that a guy like Jesus, who was such an ardent champion for the downtrodden and outcasts, would have wanted his name attached to a belief system that eliminated the need for believers to look out for their neighbors in need. I find it difficult to believe that a man, who would urge his followers to take up their crosses as the price of fellowship, meant that the rest of us could hop onto the train to Paradise without bearing a portion of the price of admission. It doesn’t make any sense.

On the other hand, I can appreciate why born-again, evangelical Christians are smiling. A belief system that provides all the riches eternity has to offer, in exchange for a simple “I believe,” has got to be the best deal in town. What’s not to like about “all gain, no pain?” An offer like that is pretty darn hard to pass up.

Maybe I’m missing something, but doesn’t all that sound like a divine form of welfare? Aren’t born-again Christians taking advantage of a system by sitting back, collecting all the rewards of so-called heaven without working or carrying their own weight? Aren’t Christians being a bit lazy by not trying to save the world, but instead waiting on a God to do it for them? It seems to me that such a Christian viewpoint includes all the evils that those same Christians use to describe our Nation’s welfare system. Is what’s good for the goose not good for the gander?

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

AN EMPTY LOT

Traditionally, on the eve of a giant winter snowstorm, supermarkets are mobbed with shoppers buying milk, bread and eggs to see them through the storm. That’s because it’s considered unwise to be unprepared for the possibility of being trapped at home for a few days. Nobody wants to run out of food in the middle of a blizzard, or God forbid, have to live off the fat we Americans have a propensity for storing at various places on our bodies. My own nightmare would consist of having to subsist on oatmeal for a day or two.

This past Sunday, weather forecasters predicted that York would get somewhere between five and eight inches of snow on Monday, which turned out to be an accurate forecast. That’s why I made a trek to the grocery store on Sunday night. I was expecting to battle a hoard of pre-storm shoppers, but was pleasantly greeted by an empty parking lot instead. The scene was almost eerie. The grocery store was brightly lit, and an icy sheen on the pavement outside reflected the soft orange glow of the lights in the parking lot. One car was parked in a handicap space, but the lot was mostly empty, except for a cluster of snow-covered cars parked about a hundred yards from the store – presumably the vehicles belonging to grocery store employees. It was 7 p.m., but the scene looked more like the middle of the night.

There are two words that explain that phenomenon: super & bowl!

After collecting all the groceries I needed, I asked the clerk in the check-out aisle whether business was booming earlier that afternoon. She said it was no different than the usual Sunday traffic. Go figure! Apparently, few people shop for groceries during the Super Bowl, even when the game takes place on the eve of a giant winter snowstorm. Live and learn.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

ONE PUBLIC DEATH MASKS A THOUSAND PRIVATE ONES

Oscar winning actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman was found dead in his New York City apartment this past Sunday morning, apparently of a drug overdose. Various media outlets are reporting that Hoffman had fifty bags of heroin in his possession when he died. That’s a lot of heroin for a drug user, and if the reports are true, it’s no wonder the drug killed him. Heroin is an extremely dangerous drug and it only takes one hit for some people to die from it. Shooting heroin is as close to playing Russian-Roulette as a person can come without having a gun or a bullet.

One thing that bothers me when a famous celebrity dies of a drug overdose is the amount of news coverage the tragic event seems to garner. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with the public mourning the loss of a gifted individual, but I worry that people (especially the younger crowd) will fall victim to the belief that only famous celebrities and really rich people die of drug overdoses. In fact, just the opposite is true. Most drug overdose victims are people with outwardly normal lives who get caught up in the tentacles of drug use and can’t find a way to extricate themselves from its clutches. We don’t usually see the details of their drug use in the papers. We just see their obituaries and the names of the mourning family members they leave in their wake.

Monday, February 3, 2014

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why the Salt Lake City School District has suspended a cafeteria manager and a district supervisor over the flap that occurred after school lunches were taken away from a group of students whose cafeteria bills were in arrears. Was it because the lunches were thrown into the trash or was it because the incident cast the school district in a bad light? Was it because those in charge publicly humiliated a group of students or because it’s wrong to deprive any child of food? Tell me, please! Why?

I ask these questions because, just last week, as Salt Lake City students were having school personnel take away their food, millions of kids all across America were having food taken off their plates by Congress, and I haven’t heard that anybody in Congress got suspended. Nor have I heard the sort of public outcry that the Salt Lake City incident generated.

What am I talking about? Well, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a farm bill last week that takes nine billion dollars worth of food, in the form of food stamps, off the tables of millions of school children over the next ten years. That same bill also makes large cuts in the federal school lunch and school breakfast programs. Where’s the ruckus? Where’s the demand for Congressional heads? Is it really acceptable to starve a kid so long as it’s done without public humiliation?

And where’s the “pro life crowd” in all this mess? Where are their chants about the sanctity of human life? Why should it be a crime to prevent a fetus from being born, but not to starve a child once it’s here? That is, after all, what the food stamp program is designed to prevent, isn’t it?

Sunday, February 2, 2014

MOTHER NATURE ON THE MARCH

Europe is solidly ensconced in a deep freeze. Australia bakes in a 120 degree oven. California, Nevada and Arizona are thirsting for rain amidst their worst drought in over two hundred years. So is western China, where once hearty glass lands have turned to vast arid deserts. Homes in America’s southern states are blanketed by ice and snow. Balmy Atlanta had a wind-chill factor of minus ten. Glaciers around the world are melting at records paces. Alaska sees its warmest winter on record. Rising ocean levels are slowly wiping tiny South Pacific island nations off the map. Despite what climate change naysayers proclaim, Mother Nature’s on the march, and we only have our self to blame.

Reports issued at the 50th UN Security Conference currently being held in Munich, Germany document that climate change is the greatest worldwide threat facing mankind today. Moreover, the overwhelming consensus of the scientific community is that climate change is a direct result of emissions generated by mankind’s use of fossil fuels and the production of other greenhouse gases. The days for sticking one’s head in the sand are over. If mankind does not change course before it’s too late, our world is in for a rude awakening.

DRONES ATTACK GROUNDHOG HEADQUARTERS

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - U.S. drones prowled the skies above Puxsutawney, Pennsylvania earlier today. According to military sources, the drones were hunting new targets after an overnight bombardment of groundhog burrows on the outskirts of that rural community. The drone campaign is part of the President’s crusade against the elusive Pennsylvania-born militant, Punxsutawney Phil bin Laden.

While the military drones sought new targets to bomb, local officials in Punxsutawney pleaded for money to rebuild their shattered community. Thos officials hope to receive a pledge of support from the federal government when Secretary of State John Kerry visits the region later this week. The Puxsutawney municipal government is also seeking $22 billion in aid from international gas fracking consortiums meeting with Governor Corbett in Harrisburg.

``Our figure is based on what we’ll lose from cancelled groundhog day festivities over the next 10 years,'' Punxsutawney’s Mayor, Topple D. Hat, told reporters, putting his community's needs over 20 years at $45 billion.

U.S. military officials said their drones, which in recent days have leveled about 60 above-ground tree bunkers and closed dozens of entrances to groundhog burrows in the woodchuck region of western Pennsylvania, are continuing to look for fresh targets to prevent Punxsutawney Phil bin Laden, al Meata and Woodchuck Brotherhood forces from regrouping in that area.

In a reminder of the danger still facing U.S. ground forces, Marines controlling the airport outside the hamlet of Puxsutawney seized weapons, including rocket-propelled acorns and garden spades, hidden in tunnels underneath that facility. Military officials insisted that the ammunition and tunnel system found under the airport were linked to a brief, surprise woodchuck attack on the Marines' camp last Thursday. The attack occurred as a plane loaded with al Meata and Woodchuck Brotherhood prisoners was taking off. The plane was bound for a U.S. zoological detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.


Saturday, February 1, 2014

THE CHARACTER TREE

Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. ~ Abraham Lincoln

I’ve been thinking a lot about the essence of reputation over the past few days. That’s because one of my friends was insensitive and unkind toward me, and he justified doing so because his behavior helped preserve his good reputation among the clientele of the business community in which he worked. From an economic standpoint, my friend’s logic made perfect sense because reputation in the business world is recognized as having an intrinsic financial value. Businesses with good reputations tend to reap much higher profits than those with bad ones. The same often applies to the people who run them.

Character, on the other hand, is seldom measured in financial terms. It’s recognized as having value, but not as having an intrinsic financial one like reputation. When former baseball manager Leo Durocher famously stated that “nice guys finish last,” he was recognizing that good character doesn’t always carry the day. A more jaded view would contend that it seldom carries the day, but that’s a discussion for another time. I’m more interested in the difference between reputation and character.

Consider a famous fashion designer whose line of clothing enjoys a good reputation for style and quality. People will pay exorbitant prices to purchase that designer’s clothing, despite the fact that the garments may have been manufactured in third world countries whose workers were laboring under deplorable working conditions. In that instance, the designer’s reputation is valued more highly than his or her questionable character for permitting the mistreatment of workers who produce the clothing.

Why is reputation so valued in our society and character relegated to the dustbin of irrelevance? Why are the words of Abraham Lincoln, which we know intuitively to be true, ignored in favor of the lure and rewards of the shadows of reputation? Why did my friend treasure the value of his reputation over the character of our friendship? I wish I knew!

When Abraham Lincoln stated that reputation was like a shadow he knew what he was talking about. If we’re honest in our self-evaluations, few of us are nearly as good as our reputation for goodness or nearly as bad as our reputation for misbehavior. Yet, we pay more attention to the façade of our reputation than to the core of our character.

A therapist once advised me to stop worrying about what other people thought of me, and focus instead on being the person I wanted to be. I remember thinking that it was easy for her to dole out such advice when she had a secure job and a stellar reputation and wasn’t facing the prospect of unemployment with the mark of a pariah on her back. I told her as much and she chuckled for a few moments. Then, she started asking me about how I felt about myself when I had the high-paying job and stellar reputation. That’s when I had to confront the sad, but honest truth that I felt empty inside. That’s because that good reputation was merely a façade hiding an empty core.

I wish I could convince my friend that reputation is not worth sacrificing character over, but that’s a tough sell in a world that all too often rewards reputation over character. It’s hard to make the conscious choice to walk in a different direction. Maybe that’s why Lincoln equated character with the strength of a tree. He knew what it took to grow one.