WARNING: CHICK FLICKS PROHIBITED

This is the Wikipedia definition of the term, Chick Flick:

--A slang term for a film genre mainly dealing with love and romance and designed to appeal to a largely female target audience. Although many types of films may be directed toward the female gender, "chick-flick" is typically used only in reference to films that are heavy with emotion or contain themes that are relationship-based (although not necessarily romantic as many other themes may be present). Chick-flicks often are released en masse around Valentine's Day.

With Valentine’s Day approaching, and men everywhere trying to figure out what kind of gift will keep them out of trouble with their wives or girlfriends, and show the true depth of their affection, I feel obligated to offer a bit of practical advice on the matter. Do not, under any circumstances, buy your sweetheart a chick flick!

I am not an unsympathetic fellow. I know that seventy bucks for a dozen roses is highway robbery, especially when you could probably swipe a dozen at a local cemetery for next to nothing, assuming you don’t get caught. I also realize that the five-dollar chick-flick display at Target is very tempting. That’s why those displays are carefully set up at the check-out line, where 99.9% of impulse buy decisions occur. Still, it’s Valentine’s Day we’re talking about here, so show some backbone. Man up!

I can practically guarantee that if you buy your beloved a chick flick, she will insist that you watch it with her, and she will do so at the most inopportune time, like the middle of the March Madness finals or on a Saturday night when Spike TV is hosting a Chuck Norris marathon. You’ll also have to cuddle on the couch while you’re both watching the movie, and then have to stealthily wipe your eyes with your shirt sleeve at the end of the flick because you’re not man enough to ask for a tissue. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Did you read that part of the chick flick definition that talked about relationship-based themes? If not, go back and re-read the first paragraph. It’s important – damn important. The reason it’s important is that chick flicks are all like measuring sticks…and the sad truth is, there’s not a man walking on this planet who can measure up to the buff, good-looking, sensitive guy who’s winning the heart of a chick flick’s main character. Do you really want your partner comparing you to the handsome hunk on the screen and thinking that she got the short end of the stick? She’s too kind to admit that aloud, but that’s what’s going on in her mind, and now that you know what she’ll be thinking, you’ll feel even worse.

That’s also not the end of your pain. After watching the chick flick, your honey is going to want you to start acting kind and sensitive too, like opting to watch whatever is on the Hallmark channel instead of that cage fighting special on Spike TV or the Swamp People on Animal Planet. The next thing you know, you’ll be pouring glasses of wine instead of opening a beer and lighting candles instead of firing off M-80s in the back yard. That’s a fact!

Plus, chick flicks don’t die like roses do. A rose will be gone in a week, and then you won’t have to pretend to be the guy in the flick who never belches, never farts, never picks his nose and never scratches his arm pits. Chick flicks, on the other hand, can be viewed repeatedly, which is like having the same nightmare every night for an entire month. Then, five years from now, when your sweetheart is holding a yard sale and that chick flick is in the “50 cents take your pick” box, everybody in your neighborhood will know what a lame guy you are, and all your Monday night football buddies will be laughing behind your back. I hope what I’m telling you is sinking in – whatever you do, don’t buy a chick flick!

There are many perfectly acceptable gift options for Valentine’s Day to choose from. Roses, jewelry, perfume and candy top the list. The newest “must-have” designer handbag is also an option, but that can set a precedence you might not want to establish…just saying. Even a night out at her favorite restaurant is a good choice. Oh, and don’t forget the card. That’s important, too. Just remember one thing…no chick flicks!

If you ignore my advice, don’t come crying to me later or say I didn’t warned you.