DRONES ATTACK GROUNDHOG HEADQUARTERS

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - U.S. drones prowled the skies above Puxsutawney, Pennsylvania earlier today. According to military sources, the drones were hunting new targets after an overnight bombardment of groundhog burrows on the outskirts of that rural community. The drone campaign is part of the President’s crusade against the elusive Pennsylvania-born militant, Punxsutawney Phil bin Laden.

While the military drones sought new targets to bomb, local officials in Punxsutawney pleaded for money to rebuild their shattered community. Thos officials hope to receive a pledge of support from the federal government when Secretary of State John Kerry visits the region later this week. The Puxsutawney municipal government is also seeking $22 billion in aid from international gas fracking consortiums meeting with Governor Corbett in Harrisburg.

``Our figure is based on what we’ll lose from cancelled groundhog day festivities over the next 10 years,'' Punxsutawney’s Mayor, Topple D. Hat, told reporters, putting his community's needs over 20 years at $45 billion.

U.S. military officials said their drones, which in recent days have leveled about 60 above-ground tree bunkers and closed dozens of entrances to groundhog burrows in the woodchuck region of western Pennsylvania, are continuing to look for fresh targets to prevent Punxsutawney Phil bin Laden, al Meata and Woodchuck Brotherhood forces from regrouping in that area.

In a reminder of the danger still facing U.S. ground forces, Marines controlling the airport outside the hamlet of Puxsutawney seized weapons, including rocket-propelled acorns and garden spades, hidden in tunnels underneath that facility. Military officials insisted that the ammunition and tunnel system found under the airport were linked to a brief, surprise woodchuck attack on the Marines' camp last Thursday. The attack occurred as a plane loaded with al Meata and Woodchuck Brotherhood prisoners was taking off. The plane was bound for a U.S. zoological detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.