Dear A.A.R.P. (American Association of Retired Persons),
Stop sending me membership application forms! You’ve already spent the cost of one year’s membership on postage stamps these past twelve months and I still haven’t joined your ranks, which means you’ve got nothing to show for all your postal efforts. It would have been better had you simply offered me a free year’s membership. At least then, after I reaped all the rewards of membership for a full year, I’d have felt a little guilty about not joining and probably signed up to alleviate my shame. As it is, all you’re doing is clogging up my paper shredder with those damn little glue balls that hold your membership cards to the solicitation letter. Whenever that happens, I have to waste an hour cleaning out the shredder. To say that’s aggravating is an understatement. It certainly doesn’t improve your chances of getting me to shell out money to join an “old geezer” club.
You can also stop trying to bribe me with a free tote bag. I’ve got so many tote bags collecting dust in the basement that I could probably start my own organization and give out free memberships AND free tote bags to boot! I’ll bet I could get more first-time members to join than you can.
FYI…totes as bribes don’t work. Have you ever read about somebody going to jail because they tried to bribe a politician with a tote (unless it’s filled with money)? Of course not, and you’ve never seen a politician go to prison because he or she accepted a free tote either. A plane ride, maybe; or perhaps a free lunch at a swanky restaurant, but never just a tote. It takes more than a cheaply constructed piece of canvas to influence people with money and power these days, and a free tote just won’t cut it.
While I’m on a roll here, could you please stop trying to get me to enroll in supplemental health insurance? I’m already covered by two carriers, and they’re both always hounding me over who should have to pay my medical bills first. You’d think that having two medical insurance policies would be a good thing, but if you’ve ever had the displeasure of being caught between two warring women, I think you’ll appreciate what kind of mayhem I’m talking about. The last thing I need is a supplemental policy creating more havoc in my life.
Also, I’m tired of getting AARP-endorsed life insurance policy applications. Could you stop sending those, too? The application that arrived in yesterday’s mail said that nobody would be rejected, but then it asked whether I’d ever been treated for a host of problems, and I would have had to check five of the seven boxes had I been inclined to apply. We both know that would have resulted in sky-high premiums and a two or three year waiver of benefits. Why bother buying a life insurance policy that won’t pay for a death caused by the very thing that my doctor says is most likely to kill me? It seems like a colossal waste of money if you ask me.
Ditto goes for the funeral insurance applications. I don’t even open those letters anymore. I toss them directly into the shredder, now that I know they don’t contain any of those nasty glue balls. Plus, I’m not worrying about funeral expenses. My family doesn’t worry either. My township has large item pick-up every Thursday, so the plan is to put me out in a large trash bag and have the waste guys haul me away. I know that’s kind of cheap, but dead is dead and there’s nothing a funeral insurance policy is going to do to rectify that situation.
In summary, I think your time and postage would be better spent on somebody without my jaded view of club membership and insurance. They say another sucker is born every minute, so you shouldn’t have far to look.
Sincerely,
Steven G. Zorbaugh
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