THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Assault rifle – check. Ammunition – check. Two extra clips – check. Radio – check. Night vision goggles – check. Camouflage suit – check. Boots – check. Canteen – check. Compass – check. Map – check. K-rations – check. Okay men, let the War on Christmas begin!

"Wait a minute, sir. Did you say the War on Christmas?"

Yes, I did soldier. You have a problem with that?

"Uh, no sir, but I was just wondering. Isn’t the War on Christmas something liberals, Democrats and atheists fight every December? Why’s the Army getting involved? We’re conservatives!"

Good question, Kowalski. A couple of weeks ago, Army “intel” intercepted some Democratic emails. Apparently, the liberal War on Christmas is an elaborate hoax. The liberals want us to believe they’re against Christmas, but they’re not. Their secret plan is to get us to promote Christmas giving, and the next thing you know we’ll be knee-deep in government social programs. The brass upstairs isn’t going to allow that to happen. Look, next to Obamacare, Christmas is the largest threat to everything we Americans stand for, and it’s high time we bury this Baby Jesus thing before it buries us. Our mission is to take out Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the shepherds and those terrorists posing as three kings. If you get a shot at an angel, take them out too, but they’re not our primary objective. Let the air force deal with the flyboys. Any questions? [several hands go up]

Oh geez, I should have known the Army would give me a pack of nitwits. You, numb nut in the back row, what’s your question?

“Sir, I’ve never shot at a Baby Jesus before!”

What are you, private Beck, some kind of liberal sissy? You got a problem with guns? Your momma voted for Obama, right? Look numb nut, there’s nothing to it. You look through your scope. When you see the Baby Jesus in the cross hairs, pull the trigger. Splat! End of story.

Okay private Cruz, what’s your question?

“Can’t this wait until after the holiday season, sir? We’ll have more of our buddies in Congress then.”

No can do! Army ‘intel’ says that Joseph Company plans to sneak across the border in a few days. Next thing you know, Joseph or one of his immigrant buddies will be taking your job. Okay, O’Reilly, what now?

“I don’t think this war on Christmas is a good idea, sir?”

Look O’Reilly, if the Army wants you to think, it’ll tell you to turn off FOX news. In the meantime, man up and grow some balls! Next question. Beohner, what’s up?

“Sir, what if Joseph is armed?”

What kind of stupid question is that? Liberals don’t pack heat! They think it’s beneath them.

“What about Mary, sir?”

You mean that unwed mom addicted to Section 8 stables and three king handouts? You ever see her working? I know I haven’t. You want somebody like that on TV with Snooki and her friends being a role model for your daughter? Not me, private. Not me. What is it, McConnell?

"There’s a rumor among the guys that one of the terrorist kings is carrying gold?"

That’s your tax dollars, McConnell, and he’ll be trying to give it away to a bunch of lazy squatters, so I suggest you keep your eyes on the prize and take that guy out with one shot. Okay, who’s next? Dolan, what’s your question?

"Some of us guys are pro lifers, sir. We’re not feeling right about killing babies."

Look Dolan, nobody likes killing babies, but sometimes you have to look at the big picture. If this Baby Jesus character gets away and grows up, he’ll start preaching stuff like feeding the poor, comforting the sick and clothing the naked. The next thing you know, poor people will start voting for food stamps, more Obamacare and expanded Section 8 housing. You want poor people to vote, Dolan?

"No."

No what, Dolan?

"NO, SIR! I DON’T WANT POOR PEOPLE VOTING, SIR!"

Right! That’s why we have voter ID laws. Who’s next?

"Private Corbett, Sir. Reporting for duty."

Glad to see you could make it, Corbett. Tough election loss! You have a question?

"Should we take out the sheep too, sir?"

The shepherds and the sheep, private. Wipe them all out. Army “intel” says that liberals like to hide their handouts in sheep clothing. We’re not taking any chances. The sheep gotta go!

"Sir, what about the stable?"

Burn it to the ground, Private Ryan. Burn it!

"What about the guys with the frankincense and myrrh, sir?"

They’re not carrying frankincense and myrrh, you idiot. They’re carrying food stamps and Section 8 vouchers. Make sure that stuff is destroyed when the stable burns. The last thing the Army wants is to give the liberal media something to moan about. Any more questions?

Good! Lock and load gentlemen!

HU-RAH!