THE CASE AGAINST 72 VIRGINS

Islamic extremist suicide bombers have been told they’ll go to heaven as martyrs and spend eternity in the company of 72 virgins. What could they possibly be thinking? At first glance, the promise of eternity with 72 virgins sounds like a blissful sexual romp through the ages, but nothing could be farther from the truth. The promise of “eternity in the company of 72 virgins” is nothing more than a cruel hoax.

Let’s consider the “72” portion of the promise more closely. Suppose Abdullah el-Maddabomber blows himself to Kingdom come and awakens in a place he thinks is Heaven. Suddenly, seventy-two virgins show up to accompany him around the place. The noise level of that mob alone would disturb anybody’s peace and quiet, but you have to figure the blast from the “bomb-belt” probably blew out the bomber’s eardrums, so the guy doesn’t hear a thing. Now, if Abdullah el-Maddabomber stops and immediately has sex with one of the ladies-in-waiting, does that mean he’ll spend eternity in the company of 72 virgins? Hell no, the numbers wouldn’t add up. Assuming he leaves the other 71 alone (unlikely, as it seems), he’ll spend eternity in the company of 71 virgins and one very tired concubine. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be 72 virgins! Under to that scenario the promise of “72 Virgins for Eternity” would be hollow and that wouldn’t be theologically acceptable.

Now technically, I suppose the “deflowered one” could always be replaced with a new virgin, but that doesn’t seem likely given the fact that the promise quotes a specific number and not an unlimited supply. Besides, offering “all the virgins you can deflower” isn’t something a Deity would want to commit to producing these days. Accordingly, 72 virgins meant just that – 72 pure flowers – no more, no less.

The word “virgin” in the promise doesn’t sound like it would give rise to any questions. Most people would agree the word applies to a person who has never had sexual intercourse. But does the word include both comely and homely maiden? Don’t forget that alcohol is forbidden among adherents to Islam and can’t be used to blur the lines. I only raise this issue because it doesn’t seem fair for a suicide bomber to have one vision of beauty and end up with 72 versions of another variety.

Okay, here’s where the hoax comes into play. Since the number of proffered virgins stands at 72 and if the suicide bomber has sex with one or more of them that number would decrease and render the promise hollow, it stands to reason that Abdullah el-Maddabomber never actually gets to have sex with any of the 72 virgins. He just gets to spend eternity in their company! That’s right! Go back and read the fine print: “spend eternity in the company of 72 virgins.” You see, it never actually says they get to have sex with the virgins, only that they spend eternity in their presence. What kind of fun is that?

I doubt whether Abdullah el-Maddabomber has ever been in the company of 72 women at the same time, let alone 72 virgins. I’m guessing the suicide bombers haven’t thought this thing through. Then, it struck me. The suicide bombers aren’t going to Heaven. They’re going to Hell…where incidentally, they’re going to spend eternity with 72 virgins.