Fellow countrymen! Fellow countrywomen! Fellow country bumpkins! At this time I would like to announce that I shall not be seeking the office of President of the United States in 2016! After much soul-searching, I’ve decided that the last thing I want to do is spend the next eleven months raising a couple of hundred million dollars in campaign contributions in order to land a job that pays four hundred thousand dollars a year. The financial numbers just don’t add up.
I’ve engaged upon an extensive self-evaluation and concluded that there are enough personal flaws in me to keep a therapist busy for the next three hundred years. I don’t need an opposition party spending millions to broadcast my shortcomings over national television and radio. Furthermore, the overabundant supply of skeletons in my closet would likely overshadow any reasonable discussion of the merits of my platform.
To be truthful, I hold at least one view on a wide range of issues that would probably alienate almost the entire population. As a result my chances of actually being elected are probably somewhere less than zero.
Forget the fancy position papers. Toss political correctness to the wind. Here’s what I think and why I couldn’t be elected!
Gun violence in this country is not going to stop until we enact sensible gun-control legislation. If it means rewriting the second amendment to curtail the right of individuals to own firearms, so be it! That ought to shoot my chance of corralling the N.R.A. vote!
I view Farm subsidies as nothing more than farm welfare. If the prevailing attitude in this Nation is that individuals should make it one their own without government assistance, what makes farmers think they are any different? It strikes me as a bit hypocritical for the farm belt folk to complain about government spending on social programs for the poor yet clamor loudly for government farm support. I’d advocate the elimination of all farm subsidies and the agricultural vote would wilt in the fields. The same goes for corporate welfare and the business vote.
On the issue of abortion, I’m pro-choice. It’s not that I think abortion is a good thing. In fact, I think the opposite is true, but I don’t think the government should involve itself in a woman’s reproductive decisions. Plus, adding a million women each year to our prison population isn’t economically beneficial or wise. I think proper reproductive education and making contraceptives available to everyone is a safer, less expensive and far more effective way to reduce the number of abortions in America. That should eliminate the Catholic vote!
And while I’m on the subject of Catholics, I guess I ought to weigh in on the priest sexual abuse scandal. If I were in charge I’d tell the Catholic Church to enact a zero-tolerance past, present and future policy immediately or face having churches and funds seized on federal racketeering charges for supporting illegal activities. To me, priests who sexually terrorize children are no different than foreign terrorists. The people or institutions that enable and protect priests ought to expect the same treatment as people or institutions that aid and harbor foreign terrorists. That eliminates the Bishops’ vote.
On the foreign policy front, I think Israeli settlements in the West bank should be vacated immediately—I didn’t say dismantled. My reasons are part legal and part strategic. The land upon which West bank settlements have been built was not part of the country of Israel the United Nations created in 1948 and allowing Israeli citizens to annex that territory is illegal. The United States cannot support an ally’s flagrant violation of international law that prohibits one country’s annexation of another by force. On the strategic front, what better way to put the Palestinian population on the road to recovery than by providing them with the infrastructure of Israeli settlements? There goes the Jewish vote!
I also believe that Palestinians should start concentrating on producing something other than suicide bombers and smoke and give up the notion of returning to land in Israel proper. Palestinian parents ought to teach something other than hatred of Israelis and provide their children with positive activities. I’ve never met a well-adjusted person who spent their entire childhood throwing stones at soldiers, dodging bullets and idolizing suicide bombers. If Palestinians want their kids to experience peace, they’re going to have to start teaching it at home. That would blow my chances with Palestinian voters!
I believe that black lives matter and that institutional racism must be address in all its latent forms and eradicated from the social fabric of our society. I also believe that African Americans share responsibility for promoting racial harmony and respect for persons of all colors. Blacks hating whites is just as damaging as whites hating blacks. I’d probably lose the black vote before I could sing “Amen”.
When it comes to immigration, I favor amnesty for all who have already made it into the United States and have remained law-abiding and who can demonstrate making a contribution to the advancement of our society. However, I also favor the building of a wall around the State of Texas (not just along the Texas/Mexico border) to prevent individuals living in that state from infecting the rest of this Nation with whatever Ebola-like virus caused voters in Texas to elect Ted Cruz to public office. That eliminates my chance of carrying Texas.
I also favor the revival of a hearty federal inheritance tax. If an heir moans because he or she only inherits six million dollars instead of ten, I’d tell them to go get a real job and try living for a month on a minimum wage salary. There goes the rich heir vote.
Finally, in case I missed anyone, please be advised that I would raise taxes on everyone to fully support military personnel. In my view, if citizens expect members of our armed forces to put their lives on the line if necessary to defend this Nation, then citizens have a corresponding duty to open their wallets in support of soldiers during their service and veterans and their families after they come home. That would pretty much alienate me from the no new taxes crowd.
In closing, I’d just like to thank all my would-be supporters for turning out today to hear me speak…Where is everybody?
No comments:
Post a Comment