PERFECTLY TWISTED GOSSIP

This is a brief article about stories that will never appear in print, not because the stories lack redeeming social value, but because there is absolutely no factual basis to them. Still, I think it’s important to routinely stretch one’s own imagination muscles from time to time, and what better way is there to do that than by creating fictitious stories? Some would call that malicious gossip, but gossip never comes with an acknowledgement that the story is patently false, so I think I can dismiss that charge without difficulty. Here are a couple of stories I’d like to see written.

The first would be a salacious piece revealing that Josh Duggar was the “baby daddy” of Bristol Palin’s newest bundle of joy – Sailor Grace. I’ve seen photos of Josh and Bristol’s children and I swear the kids are a slitting image of each other. Obviously, that’s no substitute for DNA testing, but both Josh and Bristol have been known to engage in highly hypocritical sexual behavior after mouthing off about the virtues of abstinence, so there is a definite connection between the two.

The next article I’d like to see is an investigative piece that uncovers the fact that Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini is a cross-dresser. Who knew that under that scruffy gray beard and black turban he wears is the newest diamond-encrusted bodysuit from Victoria’s Secret Angel collection? I realize that nobody wants to get close enough to the Ayatollah to verify the accuracy of that kind of claim, but over the years the Ayatollah has shown an overactive interest in the style trends among Iranian women, so there’s cause to suspect that what’s on under the garb piques his interest, too.

Another juicy piece of journalism would explain how Michelle Obama is making a killing by investing in gun manufacturer stock. The story will claim that days after a school or church shooting occurs, when President Obama speaks out against gun violence or urges gun safety regulations, Michelle allegedly profits from the increase in gun sales and the jump in price of gun manufacturer stock. Everybody knows that a Democratic president is good news to the gun industry, so why shouldn’t the first couple profit from the nonsensical hysteria?

Did you know that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are cousins? Oh yeah, the Trump family tree has a few Russian limbs, that nobody in the clan likes to talk about – as if any family is immune. Just wanted you to know!