EVIL EMPIRE DOWNSIZING

Oh, my gosh! Did you hear the news? Walmart is downsizing, as in shuttering the doors of two hundred and sixty-nine so-called under-performing locations. Of course, I’m suspicious. When it comes to Walmart, I’m always suspicious. I wonder how many of those stores harbored union sympathizers, or worse – wage and hour whistle blowers? Is there a minimum wage avoidance angle I haven’t considered? Like I said, I’m suspicious.

None of the closing stores are in Pennsylvania, mind you – that’s where I live – but its shocking news nonetheless. What if I wanted to drive down to the Port Covington Drive Walmart in Baltimore for crew socks at 2:45 in the morning? Nobody would be sitting at the door to greet me. The place would be dark; with only a few mangled shopping carts left in the parking lot to serve as evidence of a bygone empire. I wonder whether burnt-out shells of delivery trucks will be found out back, just like Imperial Cruisers were trashed in the desert sand in the latest Star Wars movie – The Force Awakens. Here’s a tip. Don’t waste your money looking for another Walmart. Go see the movie instead.

“We don’t take these closings lightly,” Doug McMillon, the president and CEO of Walmart told the world as part of the “Evil Empire’s” press announcement, his voice dripping with sympathy ordinarily reserved for Ewoks and rebel scum. Doug is the Darth Vader of Walmart, minus some of the traditional powers of the Dark Side reserved for a Sith Lord, but he can eliminate thousands of employees with the stroke of a pen, and even the real Darth Vadar wasn’t that powerful. Oh sure, he had the Death Star, but in the end the Death Star got blown apart, thanks in part to poor construction and design by the labor force. Apparently, their laborers weren’t union-trained.

Still, there’s a tinge of sadness that accompanies the Walmart news. Think about all those blue-haired greeters who will suddenly find themselves in the unemployment line. It’s tough for the seventies crowd to find a job, especially when their arthritis in the knee is flaring. Would-be employers are always wondering about their stamina, or whether they’ll show up for work on time, like they’ve got anything else to do! Still, many seniors have to work. They need the extra income for food and medicine, because…well…let’s face it, the richest one percent isn’t interested in shelling out a few more tax dollars to support senior entitlement programs. You know how those seniors are, always sitting around and complaining about the weather and their knees.

The Walmart press release says that 16,000 employees will be impacted by the closings, but many will be offered positions at nearby locations. That sounds nice on the surface, but with the current glut of baby-boomers on the market, you got to figure the writing is on the wall for grandma. When Walmart lays her off, that’s pretty much the end of her work history. No offense, grandma. It’s just business!