Moderator: “Good evening gentlemen. The agreed upon format for tonight’s debate will be as follows. Since Jesus already knew which questions were going to be asked, all candidates have been provided with a full list of possible questions and there will be no deviation from that list. I will ask a question and each candidate shall have 90 seconds to provide an answer. After all candidates have given their answer, each candidate will be given an additional 30 seconds to provide a rebuttal comment. At the close of the debate each candidate will have three minutes to give a closing statement. Are there any questions about the format?”
Santorum: “No.”
Jesus: “Not at this time.”
Romney: "Not now, maybe later."
Gingrich: [turning to Romney] "Flip-flopper!" [turning back to moderator] "No. I've always believed in rules!"
Ron Paul: "Suits me."
Moderator: “Fine. Jesus won the coin toss, but elected to allow Mr. Romney to answer the initial question first. Therefore, Mr. Romney, here is the first question for you. Do you favor a Constitutional Amendment to ban flag burning?
Romney: “Absolutely! Burning the American flag is an affront to the millions of service men and women who have fought bravely over the years for this Country. Back where I come from, people stand up for their flags, and if they can make a buck printing them on tee-shirts; so much the better!
Gingrich: "Frankly, Mr. Moderator, I'm appalled that you'd ask such a question. That claim by my ex-wife that I burned her red, white and blue lingerie is utterly false. In all the marriages I've had over the years, there has never been one shred of proof that I have demeaned the stars and stripes in any manner whatsoever. I fully support a Constitutional Amendment to ban flag burning, and again, I'd like to voice my outrage over what has become a constant theme of the liberal, elite press – trying to soil my good name."
Ron Paul: "Well, you know, setting Old Glory afire is a form of freedom of speech; not that I would do such a thing. I find it repugnant and just plain stupid. I'm just worried that the flag is getting us into too many wars. 'Keep the flag at home,' I always say."
Santorum: I cry every time I see a flag being burned by one of those godless Democrats. It's as if a tiny baby is being ripped from a mother's womb. Plus, all those liberals are desecrating the memory of our fallen soldiers who served this country and held the flag near and dear to their hearts. If I’m elected, I won't wait for a Constitutional Amendment. I’ll ban flag burning by executive order immediately after ordering the death penalty for contraceptive use.”
[Major applause from the audience]
Jesus: “I don’t believe I could support such an amendment. In fact, burning one’s flag is probably a good idea if the flag has become a false idol or is getting in the way of a man’s pursuit of eternal salvation. Besides, what good is it if a man owns one hundred flags and flies each in front of his home as proof of his patriotism, but does not honor the principles upon which his country was built? Is it not better that a man burn his flag, but quietly adhere to righteous principles, than noisily sound his allegiance to a flag, but not follow the principles it was meant to represent? Flags are symbols of worldly kingdoms but have no place in the Kingdom of God. Anything that stands in the way of the Kingdom of God should be burned.”
Moderator: “Any rebuttal that the candidates wish to share?”
Romney: “Every church in America is flying a flag, for heavens sake! Are you saying all those God-fearing Americans are wrong? I don’t think so! Maybe some liberals think it’s okay to tell people what they can and can’t do in church, but here in America we have freedom of worship and if flying the American flag is part of that worship, so be it!”
Gingrich: "Yeah, but it's probably not something you in the left-wing press want to hear. Look, Jesus might have experience ruling Heaven, but here in America, we do things differently. We like our flag. We respect our flag. We die for our flag. We fly it proudly 364 days a year; giving it a vacation only on Martin Luther King Day. If liberals want to burn flags, let them adopt their own flag and go burn it in Hell.
[More applause from the audience]
Ron Paul: "I think my first answer was sufficient."
Santorum: "If we allow flag burning where would it stop? This country is on the road to ruin, and if we don't reel in the flag burners and baby killers, nothing will be left in America to burn."
Jesus: “It is written in the law handed down from Moses. Thou shalt not have false idols.”
[The audience boos]
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