Moderator: “Mr. Santorum will answer the next question first. What role, if any, should the government play in providing for the poor in America?
Santorum: "None! Now, I'm sure this Jesus fellow standing next to me will be biting his lip over what I'm about to say, but it's about time somebody had the courage to say what millions of hard-working Americans are thinking every day! We're tired of supporting millions of deadbeats who don't mind sucking at the public's tit, until it's time to show up for a job interview or a urine test. Then, it's one crying excuse after the next. When I'm elected, the poor will learn how to swing a hammer or starve, because the day I take office is the day the welfare checks stop!
Jesus: "Blessed are those who feed the poor, for they shall see God."
Santorum: "Spoken like a true lazy liberal!"
Moderator: "Mr. Santorum. It's Mr. Romney's turn."
Romney: "That's okay, Mr. Moderator. I know Ron is passionate about starving folks; probably just as passionate as Jesus is about handing out food stamps on the taxpayers' dime. You see, when I was governor of Massachusetts, I imposed severe conservatism on those New England liberals, and they cowered faster than the Jews did to the Romans. That's true respect, and if you want the poor to respect you, the best thing you can do is take apart the companies that employ them, put the poor on the street and cut off the safety net. The poor just magically go away. I don't really care about the poor. If you stop thinking about them, they truly don't exist.
Gingrich: I used to be poor once! That was, oh, I'd say about a month after my first divorce settlement, but look at me now. I'm on national TV. I've got friends pumping millions of dollars in PAC money into advertising campaigns telling the world what a great guy I am. I've got a beautiful trophy wife. I've got a half-million dollar line of credit at Tiffany's. Not too shabby, eh? Why do I have all those things? Because I decided I didn't want to be poor. It's that simple. That's the beauty of America. If you don't want to be poor, you don't have to be. You just have to pick yourself up and go for the gusto!
Ron Paul: "Sounds like a beer commercial? I'd like a good frosty mug!"
Moderator: "Mr. Santorum, any rebuttal?"
Santorum: "A poor kid came up to me the other day whining about having no food in his refrigerator. I told the kid to go home and tell his mom to get up off her lazy butt and go earn some money for food. That's what I call governmental tough love."
Jesus: "That woman went out and prostituted herself for the boy's supper. She caught AIDS in the process. She will die in 2 years and her son will be homeless."
Santorum: "Good! One less mouth to feed."
Romney: Jesus may have inherited a lot from his Dad, but in my church, we look at things differently. The journey west made Mormons tough. It wasn't pleasant watching the poor die, but my ancestors did so I wouldn't have to care about the poor, and I'm grateful for their sacrifice.
Gingrich: "When you've written as many books as I have, you realize that most poor people want to be poor. They like being poor! They like playing the victim! Did you ever look at a line outside a food bank? Everybody looks so downbeat. When they come out with a bag of groceries, they're happy. Why is that? I'll tell you why. It's because now they have something to use to buy dope."
Ron Paul: I'll make a pact with America's poor people. You stay out of my life and I'll stay out of yours."
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