MY ONE MILLIONTH MISTAKE

I can't be absolutely certain, but I think this morning I committed the one millionth mistake I've made during the course of my lifetime. I forgot to use cooking spray on the griddle before making pancakes. The first one I made burned. Obviously, that wasn't the first bone-headed move I ever made, and it probably won't be the last, but I thought I'd honor the occasion by ruminating over some of my past mistakes in the hope of not repeating them again. If reading about some of my most memorable lapses in judgment (*) helps you avoid making similar errors in the future, so much the better!

(*) The mistakes cited herein are not in chronological order or ranked according to my own personal level of stupidity.

Pepper is not medicine!

When my son was about 8 or 9 years old, he caught a bad cold and would not blow his nose. Listening to his persistent attempts to clear his nasal cavities without using a tissue was driving me batty, and for some reason I thought that a good sneeze was exactly what a doctor would recommend. If my son wasn't going to blow his own nose, I could speed the process with a homemade remedy you won't find in any medical literature – a pepper inhalant…not to be confused with "pepper spray", though my son might beg to differ! I sprinkled a dash of pepper on my finger, held it up to my son's nose and told him to inhale quickly. He did…and I'm sad to say that remedy didn't work. What followed was a string of 'deleted expletives' from the mouth of a young kid, followed by a jeer that I was a stupid dad…which I guess I was.

Always check the number first!

Back in my college days, I met a girl that I thought was very interesting and I wanted to ask her to go on a date. There was one small problem – I'd been dating another co-ed, and although we hadn't officially broken-up, we were drifting apart and I knew there was little future for that relationship. Still, it was a sticky situation. Undaunted, I tracked down the new young lady's telephone number and gave her a call. When the phone was answered, I asked if I could speak to the "new girl", only to have the voice on the phone reply, "I'm sorry, Steve. You called the wrong number." The voice promptly slammed the phone down. I'd mistakenly called the number of girl I'd been dating…well, right up to the point where she hung up on me.

Look before you grab!

When I was eleven or twelve years old, my family frequently visited my grandparents at a weekend cabin my grandparents owned in a heavily wooded area. We were often joined by aunts and uncles and hordes of cousins. A small stream ran through the property and my cousins and siblings and I frequently tied ropes to trees and amused ourselves by swinging over the stream. One Sunday, several kids were already in the process of performing Tarzan impersonations over the stream when I decided to join the fun. Nobody had an extra rope, so I set off searching for a chord heavy enough to support my weight. I finally found a large black garden hose lying beside the cabin, and I called to my grandmother for permission to borrow it. She nodded yes, so I grabbed the hose in one fluid motion and started moving toward my rowdy cousins. Unfortunately, the twelve foot black snake that I'd wrested from its afternoon siesta was not too keen about being tied to a tree, and when I discovered the snake was not a hose a second later, my heart nearly stopped. Look before you leap…that applies to grabs too!