Moderator: “This next question is directed to Mr. Gingrich first. Do you believe it is or is not necessary to strip mine coal from atop mountains in West Virginia and why?
Gingrich: "In West Virginia, in Pennsylvania and in Canada too! If I'm elected President every household in America will have a coal-burning stove and we'll move Heaven and Earth to mine that black gold, wherever it's found."
Ron Paul: "At my age, bringing the top of a mountain down to me is a big plus!"
Santorum: Back when I represented the great coal-producing state of Pennsylvania in the U.S. Senate, and that was before the liberals temporarily seized control of the place, you couldn't walk ten feet in that state without seeing something that was created or made better by the coal industry. Even protesters outside abortion clinics would throw coal when they demonstrated. If I had my way, they'd be firing coal bullets.
Jesus: “If men had faith, they could move whole mountains without destroying one tree. For that matter, with faith, a man could turn salt water into enough fuel to power humankind for all eternity. You see, with faith, anything is possible...even finding ways to provide energy without destroying this earth created by my Father.”
Romney: "Personally, I like oil futures. You can bundle them into credit default swap securities and transfer capital gains on income from those securities to companies based in the Grand Cayman Islands and avoid paying federal tax on any of your profits. That's how you can make a killing and not get your hands dirty with something like coal. On the other hand, there's something strangely satisfying about buying up a coal company and raiding that company's pension fund because everybody knows that black lung disease kills miners long before they ever get to retirement. It's a win-win for the boys up stairs!
Moderator: “Mr. Gingrich, any rebuttal?”
Gingrich: “If the American people give me Divine power, I’ll put oil and gas in places where it can easily be obtained without destroying the environment. Look, this wasn't my call. It was liberals like Jesus' dad who put the gas and oil in the most difficult places to extract and now radical environmentalists want to blame we conservatives for trying to keep the lights and heat on in American homes. Of course we’re trying to protect the environment, but I’m not going to stand up here and apologize for making it possible for ordinary folks to cook and see their food at night.
Ron Paul: "Let's forget about the towel-heads in the Middle East. Dig baby. Dig!"
Santorum: [facing Ron Paul] "You've been talking to Sarah again, haven't you? Yeah, I admire her too."
[audience claps and chants, "Palin", "Palin" "Palin" until the moderator raises his hand to silence the crowd]
Santorum: [cracking a wide smile] Yeah, I'm considering her as my running mate. Look, I want to address what Jesus said. That sounds nice in church, but we’re talking ‘real world’ here…where ordinary Americans get a light and heat bill every month. And if Jesus is talking about another heat and light welfare program…well, that’s not going to fly with American taxpayers.”
Jesus: "I am the light of the world. Whoever shall follow me will never walk in darkness.”
Romney: "Glad to hear that Jesus, but from where I'm standing your ledger books just don't add up. If America follows where you're going, pretty soon we'll all be drowning in red ink…deficits as far as the eye can see. That's not what Americans want in a leader. They're looking for somebody who can go toe-to-toe with Obama, and I'm that guy!"
No comments:
Post a Comment